Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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