when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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