I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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