You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
