I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
