the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
