My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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