Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
