So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
