in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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