my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
