Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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