So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I want to fling myself into the sun
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
