I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
