In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
