Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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