Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
