Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
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