My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
