i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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