im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
