I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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