new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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