Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha