I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
