you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
