We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
