R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
