If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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