Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
