I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
