Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
