Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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