went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
