How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
