Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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