Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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