It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize