okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
