she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
