I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
