apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Randomize
