If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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