I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
