Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
