she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
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I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
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Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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