My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
