I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
