Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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