I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
