You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
