She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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