One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The best revenge is premature balding
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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