she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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