do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
