i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!