I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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