I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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