Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
