I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
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I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
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FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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